


April Fool's (Would You Be So Kind)

by TiredPanAndNotAFan (orphan_account)



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: African American Logic | Logan Sanders, April Fools' Day, Cute fluffy AU, Holiday, Logan does not like children, Logan is an astronomer, Logan works at a museum, Logic | Logan Sanders Has A Panic Attack, Logic | Logan Sanders is Bad at Feelings, M/M, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Oblivious Morality | Patton Sanders, Panic Attacks, Patton has made a mess, Unrequited Crush, Unrequited Love, and he doesn't even know it, painfully obvious crush, patton owns a bakery
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-05
Updated: 2019-11-21
Packaged: 2020-12-31 15:45:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,146
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21148184
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/TiredPanAndNotAFan
Summary: For April Fool's day, Patton asks Logan to be his fake-boyfriend, just for the day. Logan agrees, not because of the joke, but because it's the closest thing he might ever got to romantic intimacy with Patton. Logan doesn't plan on telling Patton, but when it all comes crashing down, they both have to deal with the fallout of Logan's hidden feelings. And maybe, just maybe, the feelings Patton develops along the way.ORFake-dating AU where at the beginning Pat has absolutely no feeling for Lo, who is a pining mess, but slowly starts catching them. Roman screws stuff up(Technically a songfic but that wont come up until the last few chapters)





	1. Lovesick Museum Worker Plans His Demise

**March 20th, 20XX**

Logan Thales was at work. A perfectly normal place to be. A perfectly, terribly horrible place to be, especially at 10:54 in the morning, stuck in the planetarium with a room full of rowdy children. The fact that the museum allowed elementary school field trips was something that confused and frustrated Logan beyond belief-- While he was a strong believer that it was never too early to start learning, these children didn't even _try_ to learn.The jumped out of their seats and tried to touch the ceiling of the dome, talked over his explanations, his introduction of the constellations, and they were _loud._

At present, Logan was trying to show these children the constellation Orion. He assumed they would at least remember one of the most recognizable patterns, but as soon as the word "Betelgeuse" left his mouth, the little demons fell back into chaos. Their teachers were trying to calm them down, but when a boy pulled a girl's braid and she _screamed,_ they went wild. As children started throwing food from their lunches around, Logan quickly shut off the projector and counted the excruciatingly long seconds as it sunk into the floor, the mechanism sealing it closed, and marched to the center of the room. As half an apple flew by his head, he took a deep breath, preparing to silence the chaos.

_"ENOUGH!"_

Teachers and students alike stood stock-still, paused mid-throw or whatever they were doing, and stared at the previously mild-mannered astrologist. He was now fuming, his glasses askew and his fists shaking, however, he kept his voice even and calm. To anyone on the outside, it would seem uncanny, even unnatural.

"As an employee of this establishment, I request everyone gathers their belongings and leaves, if not the natural history sector, then the property. I am inclined to report this group to my supervisor, as at least five seats are broken, and there is food and drink _on the projector._ It would be ill-advised to cause any more destruction before I call in security."

When the teachers saw that Logan was done, they gathered their students and marched them out of the planetarium. Logan followed them to the museum exit, expecting them to just leave, when one teacher turned around to him. (he noted the pronoun pin listing "They/Them" with unvoiced respect.)

"I'm so sorry my students were so terrible, I was trying to get them under control, but they're a group of little devils. I'm sorry, really!"

"Do not worry, I do not blame you or any other chaperones for the children's behavior. However, you institution will most likely be billed for the damages." Logan adjusted his glasses, then leaned in conspiratorially. "I would recommend requiring the children's parents to pay. It would encourage them to take disciplinary action in the future." The teacher nodded and smiled gratefully, then took off after their group. Logan turned and headed back inside to alert his supervisor. It was going to be a long, long day.

\----------

Finally, _finally_ the museum had closed. Logan strode through the African American History sector. He had taken to coming here when he was lost in thought, he believed it was beneficial to be surrounded by your heritage and learn from your past. Logan stopped in front of the timeline wall and sighed. While this was the most destructive thus far, the group of children was far from the first to cause a scene this week. This group had been his breaking point, the catalyst, the metaphorical Antichrist to the mounting apocalypse-- no, wait. Logan was atheist, he had been listening to Remus too much. Logan thought fondly of Remus, one of his five best friends, along with Declan, Virgil, Roman, and Patton.

Oh, god, _Patton._

He was the exact opposite of Logan. He was warm, bright, kind, open, soft, small, and pretty. Everything Logan wasn't. Patton's freckles looked like the constellations that Logan loved to study, his skin was the color of honeycomb, his eyes were like the vast blue-gray of a dusk sky, sprinkled with the faintest twinkle of early stars, his blush painted his face like the milky way, he attracted happiness and warmth like a black hole draws everything to it, he was _perfect._ But Logan couldn't tell him, ever. Patton was demi. Logan would never, ever force something on to <strike>his</strike> the literal ray of sunshine, especially if it made him uncomfortable.

** _bzzzt-bzz-bzzzt_ **

Logan was startled out of his thoughts by his phone. He had given each of his friends a unique text-notification vibration pattern, and that happened to be Patton's. Logan quickly took out his phone and unlocked it, squinting at the screen.

_ **Patton: Hey lolo!! I have n idea 4 aprils fools day!!! what if we fake_dated?? ;);)** _

Logan sighed at Patton's grammar and typing mistakes before the words sank in. _Patton wanted to fake-date him. for April Fool's Day._ He didn't know what to think, but it probably was not the best idea.

_ **Logan: I do not believe that is a good idea. Can you ask Thomas or Remington?** _

_ **Patton: Thomas is hangging out with talyn and joan, remy is dating virges therepist** _

_ **Logan: Would you happen to mean Emile Picani?** _

_ **Patton: Thats the guy!!!** _

Logan sighed, took off his glasses, and let his forehead _thunk_ against the wall. An excerpt of Martin Luther King Jr.'s _"I Have A Dream"_ speech started at the tip of his nose (he already knew it by heart). He turned around and slid to the floor.

_ **Logan: I suppose I must accept, then. We should come up with a story, to be more convincing.** _

_ **Patton: omg i didnt even think of that!!!! Ur so smart lolo** _

Logan blushed and buried his face in his hands. Once he recovered, he and Patton set to work on their story, Logan quietly tailoring it to be his ideal relationship with Pat. Declan would have been proud.

When did they start dating? _March 28th._

How did it happen? _Patton sent Logan a love letter._

Why didn't they tell the others? _They wanted to see how it would work out before making anything official._

What kind of couple would they be? _Cute nicknames, cuddles, and dancing._

That, among a number of other things, formed the fake relationship into something almost tangible, nearly real enough to make Logan sigh happily. He slid his glasses back onto his nose, and stood up. Patton would give Logan the "Love Letter" in eight days, and he was _not _allowed to be nervous and fluttery about it. He had to be emotionless. Luckily enough for him, that was his specialty.


	2. Lovesick Fool Cannot Stick To Plan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the Core Four go to Patton's bakery. Patton gives Logan the letter. Logan is very flustered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: FOOD, unrequited love, negative thoughts

**March 28th, 20XX**

This was not according to plan. Patton would be giving him the letter today, and Logan was a blushing ball of nerves. They had decided that Patton should write an actual letter, for the sake of the story. It had not been Logan's idea, that time. Today, he, Virgil, and Roman would be hanging out in Patton's bakery/cafe, and when they left to let Patton close, the bubbly man would slip Logan the letter. In 20 minutes, he would be at the cafe, and he would have to be on his best behavior for it. He decided the best way to school the emotion out of himself would be to imagine everything that could go wrong.

_Patton might discover Logan's feelings and not want to be friends with him anymore._ That was a very likely possibility. He could never even talk to Patton again if that was the case.

_Patton could call the prank off._ If he didn't want to carry out the plan, then Logan would loose his opportunity.

_Everything could go according to plan._ Once they had successfully fooled everyone, the trick would be revealed. Everyone would laugh and Patton would never love Logan, and no one would ever see his heartbreak.

Logan looked at himself in his bathroom mirror. His face had gone effectively back to normal and his heartbeat had slowed to a manageable rate. Never mind that he felt like crying; everything was going according to plan. Ten minutes until he had to be at the bakery; Logan had wasted far too much time in front of the mirror.

\---

At the bakery, Logan found himself being the last to arrive, even if he was two minutes early. He sat in the empty side of the booth, with Virgil and Roman being a sickeningly cute couple in the other, and adjusted his tie. Determined to keep a sense of normality, he took out his phone and checked his emails.

Then Patton sat down beside him.

He was warm and lightly covered in flour, his glasses smudged with chocolate, and there was a bit of honey on the tip of his nose. Logan fought the urge to wipe it off.

"well, the gang's all here! I just got done with today's cupcakes, sorry if I'm kinda messy!"

"It's quite alright, Patton. how are you doing today?"

"Oh, just fine, thanks for asking, Logie!" Patton leaned into Logan's side, forcing him to fight down a blush. Roman, ever-oblivious, plowed into menial small-talk.

"I have fantastic news! I will be the star of the Starlight Theatre's latest production of West Side Story!"

"So that means I'll finally get to see you die?"

"Aww, Virgil, be nice!"

For the next hour or so, the four talked about whatever came to mind, Patton snuggling more and more into Logan and shooting him inconspicuous mischievous glances, until the topic of the Food-Fight Catastrophe made an appearance.

"The group of children were absolute heathens. They damaged the star projector and broke at least one fourth of the seats. I have a contact in the school--"

"A _romantic_ contact?"

"No, Roman, they simply apologized at the time then came into contact with me three days ago to sort out the damage bill. They are making sure that the parents of the children will be charged, and we might take them to a minor claims court, for not disciplining their children and allowing them to act out in the care of chaperones."

"Uh, is that, like, legal?" Virgil sat forward and played with his hoodie strings, Roman rubbed his back.

"I did not go to law school for fun, Virgil. I can find a way to make them pay."

Patton giggles in his place glued to Logan's side. "Tim Misney," he started, and Virgil and Roman joined in.

"I'll _make _them _pay."_ The three burst out laughing, while Logan sighed and adjusted his glasses.

"I do not wish to be reminded of that god-forsaken advertisement at this time, _please,_" he sighed, only making the other three laugh harder. Patton was practically clinging to him, he had one arm around Logan's shoulder. He blushed, but shook the thought out of his head.

_it isn't real. **None** of this is real._

As the laughter died down, Logan checked his watch. It was 6:54, exactly, and they hadn't even gotten snacks.

"Patton, I need to leave in six minutes. Would you happen to have any Crofter's thumbprint cookies?"  
"Of course, I always have cookies for my favorite _cookie_! If I didn't, I would really be in a _jam!_" Logan sighed and blushed, straightening his posture when Patton disconected himself to go get the cookies. Virgil sat forward, a mischievous look on his face.

"Wow, you and Patton? You two are, like, complete opposites."

"I am... unsure of what you are talking about."

"Dude, he's hanging all over you, your face was _so_ red," he joked, making Logan look down.

"I promise there is nothing romantic between Patton and I."

"Tell him that, Pocket Protector," Roman laughed, "he literally just called you _his cookie._"

"Both of you, cease and desist before he comes back."  
"Alright, fine, but--"

"Guys, I'm ba-ack!" Patton came through the door to the kitchen with a small tray of deserts. He set it down on the table and immediately latched on to Logan again. "We've got the cookies, honeycomb cupcakes, and macaroons! Dig in!" After a chorus of "thank-you's" the four tore into the desert platter. After Logan finished the last Crofter's cookie, he checked his watch and...

"I'm late! Patton, thank you very much for the sweets, may I exit--" The two shifted around, leaving Logan standing in front of the booth. "Thank you, they were delicious, good b--"

"Wait, Logie!" Patton reached into his apron, and pulled out--

The letter.

"Here, I wanted you to have this!" He handed Logan the letter, looking down bashfully. Logan could see Patton's fingers crossed behind his back.

"Th-thank you, Patton. I must be going now, Farewell," Logan rushed, dashing out the door.

_That was a disaster._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> idefk  
who knows


	3. Lovesick Twat Has A Panic Attack

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Logan doesn't have to read the letter, but he does. He has a panic attack, but Next Door Old Woman is here to help!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YES, BOTH MRS BRIDGE AND LOGAN ARE BLACK  
well logan is like 3/4 African American and 1/4 Hispanic but thats stuff im not getting into yet

When Logan got home from his night-shift at the museum, he was nearly exhausted. A group of Boy Scouts were “camping out” in the children’s interactive wing, and Logan had been called in to supervise their settling-in. When he got home, the first thing on his mind was the letter.

The letter that Logan absolutely did not have to read, it was fake, why would he need to? However, Logan wanted to read the letter, no matter how illogical it was.

Logan didn’t have to take the letter out of his pocket. When he did, he saw it was covered in little doodles of hearts in light and dark blue, the biggest one on the back had “P+L” written inside.

Logan didn’t have to carefully peel off the sticker sealing the envelope, a jar of jam with a heart on the label, and stick it to his bathroom mirror.

Logan didn’t have to carefully open the envelope, pulling out the letter and placing the heart-covered paper in his box of his most prized possessions.

Logan didn’t have to unfold the letter, crease by crease, and look at the neatly printed out sheet with hearts drawn in the margins.

Logan did  _ not _ have to read the letter.

He still did.

  
  


Dear Logan,

I love you so much. You mean more than anything in this world to me. Meeting you has been an answer to my prayers. I will always love you. My heart belongs to you and ONLY you. I never want you to forget that. You are everything to me and I will do anything for you. I will never leave your side and, when you have to leave me, I will be right here waiting for you to come back. The incredible love that I feel for you makes my head spin and my heart responds with strong emotions. There is a strong feeling that this dream will never end. I am grateful, and I will always love you. You have impacted my world in every way imaginable, and all I think about now is how great our future could be and how many beautiful moments we could have together. I wish I could find words to express my feelings for you. In the end, though, I just want you to know that I need you and love you so much. I just hope you feel the same.

With all the love in the world, Patton

  
  


Over the course of reading the letter, Logan grew more and more forlorn. By the end, he had somehow moved from the kitchen table to lying on his side on the bed, clutching a stuffed snake that Patton had won for him at a fair, once. Logan knew the words were empty, cobbled together from various sources and templates, but if he ignored all that, he could pretend that it was heartfelt. He could pretend that the words were true and real and meant something. He could pretend that he had never seen Patton’s fingers crossed, that the stuffed snake was won for him as a token of affection, that they really were going to dance in Patton’s bakery after closing time to songs spinning endlessly on the jukebox, that every glance and gaze was weighted with hidden meanings that Logan had spent so long reading and dreaming about, that Patton  _ loved _ him. But that was ridiculous. 

Patton couldn’t love Logan.

Nobody could love Logan.

Especially not the one Logan was in love with.

Because that would simply be illogical, that Logan could love someone and be loved in return. It had never been true in any part of his upbringing, beginning with being forced into the foster system for being gay, then getting passed around various foster homes until he aged out. The first real warmth he had ever felt was from Roman, Patton and Virgil in college, when he had instantly fallen in love with Patton.

But of course, Patton was demi, and Logan could never force something onto the ray of sunshine that he didn’t want, and Patton didn’t want it, because it was all fake,  _ fake,  _ ** _fake._ **

Logan let out a high-pitched scream, throwing the plush snake and the letter at the wall. The buzzing fluorescent lights in the apartment were  _ too loud, _ the cars outside were  _ too loud, _ the faint music coming from somewhere above was  _ too loud. _ Logan tore off his glasses smashed his hands onto his ears and whined, feeling tears welling in his eyes in too-hot, too-sticky streams, that burned his skin. He whimpered, rolling over to jam his face into his pillow, but with his eyes squeezed shut he misjudged where he was on his bed and fell with a  _ thunk _ to the floor, letting out a strangled cry. All of a sudden, though, there was a knock at the door, and a soft voice made it over the pounding  _ noise noise  _ ** _noise_ ** all around him.

“Logan, baby? It’s Mrs. Bridge from next door. I heard a scream, are you alright, honey?”

Logan tried to say “Yes,” but all that came out was a whine. He squeezed his eyes shut and whimpered, jamming himself in the corner between his bed and the wall.

“Baby, I’m comin’ in,” Mrs. Bridge called, and Logan heard the lock  _ click _ open and the door sweep open, then heard it shut, but was too distracted by the very, VERY loud sound of someone vacuuming on the floor below him, and the tears that were still running hot down his face. He pulled his knees to his chest and started rocking side to side, hitting the bed and the wall in alternating soft  _ thuds. _

Then there were arms around him. Warm, weathered, and sturdy hands wrapped around him, a warm presence in front of him in the too-cold apartment, making his let out a shuddering sigh and press into the warmth. Slowly, Logan was able to take his hands off his ears and wrap them around his knees. When he was finally able to ease his eyes open, he saw Mrs. Bridge in front of him, her weathered buckeye-brown skin creased with worry around her eyes. Logan looked down in shame, but Mrs. Bridge put a hand on his cheek and tilted his face up, brushing away his tears.

“None of that, sugar. Now, baby, tell me what happened.” Logan tried to speak, but found he still couldn’t. Mrs. Bridge seemed to understand. “Do you know sign language, Logan?” He shook his head no, his eyes starting to well up with tears again. He gestured to the snake and the letter, the latter of which was snatched up and read. “Oh, you’ve got a lover boy, huh?”

Logan shook his head, managing to squeak out “Se’ up. Apr’l Fools.”

Mrs. Bridge frowned. “It’s for… April Fool’s day, honey?” Logan nodded, scrubbing at his face with his hand. Mrs. Bridge wrapped him in a hug, pulling him closer.

“Oh, poor baby, you poor thing,” she murmured, rocking Logan back and forth. The stayed like that for a while, until Logan was able to calm down enough to speak. He was startled at how deep his voice sounded as if he was expecting to sound like a frightened child.

“Mrs. Bridge-- uhm, excuse me, b-but, how were you able to get into my apartment?”

“You need to come up with a more creative place to put your key than under your doormat, honey.”

“... Oh.”

Mrs. Bridge continued to hold and rock Logan on the bedroom floor, weathered old pinkened hands running over chestnut-colored skin. When Logan worked up enough confidence, he pulled away enough to look the old woman in the eyes.

“Mrs. Bridge--”

“Call me Deiondre, baby.”   


“Alright, um, Deiondre, well, thank you for intervening. I am not sure what I would have done without your assistance.”

“It’s all fine, Logan. When my brother needs help, I will help him!”

“But we are not biologically-- oh. You are making a reference to our shared race.”   


“That’s right, baby! Now, Logan, if you ever need help, you just come over and knock on that door, alright? I’m always home, sugar.”

“Wait, that means you heard--” Logan broke off, his face going red.

“Your voice belongs in a church choir, if I am the judge of anything,” Mrs. Bridge teased with a smirk. Logan buried his face in his hands.

“Please never mention it to any of my friends if you ever see them.”

“I would never, honey. Now, why don’t we get you cleaned up?” Mrs. Bridge stood up, pulling Logan up with her. For the next half an hour, she talked him through washing off his face with a warm, wet towel, getting a change of clothes, brushing his hair, getting his glasses back on to his face, making tea and putting on series two of  _ Sherlock _ . Her exact words on the last matter were “Turn on the television and put on sum’thin that will calm you right down.” They sat on the love seat that served as Logan’s couch, drinking tea, and watching Sherlock start to piece together the mystery of Irene Adler, Mrs. Bridge spoke.

“I meant what I said before, you know. Whenever you need anything, even just ta talk, you can come on over to me, alright?”

“I am very grateful for the offer, Mrs. B-- Deiondre. I will be sure to take you up on it in the near future, most likely.”   


“You better. My wife was about like you, and if you couldn’t get her calmed down, she’d be on the edge of a scare for days!”

“I’m-- I’m sorry-- Wife?” Mrs. Bridge’s eyes took on a misty look.

“We got married in Las Vegas when we were near forty, I was in drag and was marked as a man on the papers. They never did check to see if it was right, though, so we stayed married for a good long while. She… passed a few years ago.”

“I am sorry to hear that.”

“Well, baby,” Mrs. Bridge sighed, checking the clock on the wall, “I best get goin’. Sleep well, sugar, and find a more creative place to put your key.”

Logan stood up, taking Mrs. Bridge’s teacup. “I cannot thank you enough, ma’am. I will find a way to make it up to you.”   


“No need, dear. Just keep an old woman company sometime, that’s all I ask."

“Then that is what I will do.”

The two looked into each other’s eyes, something passing between them that felt not-quite-real and yet almost tangible. Logan nodded, Mrs. Bridge smiled, and they both walked to the door, the old woman letting herself out.

“Take care, now, Logan.”

“I'll be sure to.” When the door  _ clicked _ closed, Logan locked it, then took the teacup he was holding to the sink. After finishing the episode of  _ Sherlock, _ Logan turned off the TV and went to bed.

He had a day to face tomorrow. It wasn’t going to be easy, but it was going to be good, if not for anyone else’s sake but for Mrs. Deiondre Bridge’s.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WHOO WHAT A RIDE


	4. Not an Actual Chapter: Announcement

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Announcement:  
I dont feel like writing me Sanders Sides stuff rn. read for more detail

Hey dudebros

Sam here

I uh

don't feel like writing any of my Sanders Sides stuff rn. I just cant find any inspiration to

(also i dont have the plots for many of them planned out as much as id like. If you want to go read them and suggest things that I should do that would be awesome)

If you want more of my content, you can just like

go to my stuff. read it

its always welcome

If you're mad at me, go read:

[Sanders Behavioral Health (by AstroZone)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/21140099/chapters/50310749)

[Waste Away (by NicoAndTheNineGalaxies)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/19759093/chapters/46771336)

[Stray Hearts Are Subject To Change (by Queen_Whovian_and_Everything_Else555)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/21366088/chapters/50893813)

because they're awesome and i love them

While yall may be disappointed on my lack of Sanders Sides stuff, if you're into Beetlejuice, you'll be happy to know that I WILL be updating by two Beetlejuice fics,[_ Inside Out And Upside Down_](https://archiveofourown.org/works/21422743/chapters/51041941) and [_Pretty Things Don't Play In The Dark_](https://archiveofourown.org/works/21332851/chapters/50806951)

<strike>Also i MIGHT update April Fool's but that's only because it's my main SS project</strike>

Thanks for understanding!!!!!


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